I’m guessing this is a sensitive topic and I believe many couples struggle with the role of dad and mom in parenting. If this hasn’t been an argument (em, heated discussion), I imagine it’s only a matter of time.
Discussion Point: Gender Roles 
Background: Typical gender roles call for the woman to do more in baby-raising than males. But with two parents working, how does this change? How does breastfeeding change this given that mother is the sole food source for baby for several months to longer?
He Said: I’m really happy with how this is handled in our family because I have such an awesome and understanding partner. Right now, I would say we match a more modern definition of gender roles. My wife certainly does more with the baby as she is the baby’s sole food source, and she has more patience than me. But I happily do my part. I bathe our baby everyday, play with her on weekends and after work, take care of her while my wife gets ready in the morning (we make coffee together), and feed her in the mornings on weekends.
The feeding is the interesting thing. Since my wife has to pump whenever I do a feeding, the only time it makes sense for me to feed her is if my wife has something else she needs to do (and there are no potential leakage issues – yeah men, you will learn quite a bit more about breasts and see them differently once you’re a dad) or she can get a few more hours of rest if I take the feeding. That means the middle of the night feeding really belongs to my wife, which sucks for her. But we both generally agree that it doesn’t make sense for both of us to get up in the middle of the night and I try to assist as much as possible by taking any post 430AM feedings.
And that brings me to what’s critical about gender roles with two working parents. Division of labor and teamwork. My wife and I are a team. We back each other up when we can. If my wife can’t deal with the crying baby, I step in and vice versa. But we separate duties so we also have some time to ourselves on night and weekends. That means when she runs errands to pick up groceries, I watch the baby. When I go to costco, she watches the baby. This works great and provides some level of sanity.
We’ve read a lot about people supporting each other by getting up at the same time, or going together to do mundane things like pick up dry cleaning. I believe we’re generally happier because of this division.
She Said: This one is not only a heated topic but one that can’t possibly be fully covered from the mother’s perspective in a single post. To keep it simple, I’ll just divide my response into 2 categories: feeding and everything else.
I have to say first, I think I’m lucky to have a great teammate in my husband. We think alike on many topics, but have opposing skills, which I believe makes us well matched and, so far, has really benefitted us as new parents. We try to look first at what division of duties just naturally makes sense. I mean, why over-complicate to justify or reject traditional gender roles in parenting?
When it comes to feeding, I believe the traditional gender role in this department makes sense biologically. If you can nurse or pump to give your baby the health benefits that’s always best, but practically, Dad needs to be prepared to be second-string even if just for moral support. The reality is that nursing a baby is WAY more difficult and stressful than I would have ever thought. For a nursing mom, what IS important is that Dad is supportive. At the beginning there wasn’t much to do, but help me find windows of time to rest between feedings and tell me it’d be okay when it didn’t click. Today, he’s able to be a part of the feeding routine with a bottle here and there to get in some bonding time, or give me a break. This one will get interesting once she moves to solids in a few months…
As for the times when she’s not feeding, any parent can tell you, this part is exhausting. In the early days it’s filled with crying and changing diapers, and later on becomes entertaining this tiny sponge with a short attention span. We divvy these responsibilities up by practical means like time of day (He’s a morning person. I’m not. My work schedule allows me to get home first and so on.) We don’t try to do everything together, we try to divide and conquer as efficiently and practically as possible so what we’re left with it quality together time, which right now amounts to all of 10 minutes, but we’ll take it!
Funny that I read this on the heels of the Washington Post article on gender roles (that left both Paul and I exhausted – it’s tiring hearing how other families deal with it!).
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/can-parents-share-child-raising-responsibilities-equally/2013/01/02/7ea97af6-326e-11e2-bfd5-e202b6d7b501_story.html?hpid=z4
That said, I loved breastfeeding and was intent on solely offering breast milk. So our compromise was that I did input and he did output.
It’s impossible to go 50/50. I think relationships will go awry trying to just sort that out!
HAHAH…input / output. I like that. And thanks for sharing the post. We’re doing like 95% breastfeeding, 5% bottle with breast milk, and I love that 5%. Feeding a child just forms a different bond. But time wise, makes the most sense to breast feed because the woman has to pump when the baby feeds from the bottle. That’s tough when you’re trying to get out the door in the morning, right?