A lot of people are going to be upset with me on this, but let the debate begin…
Discussion Point: Stay at home mom or daycare?
Background: My wife and I have our first child in daycare at 13 weeks. So far, we absolutely love where she is. I’m sure the reasons will come out. For us and our income, it makes financial sense to have a child in daycare.
He Said: I don’t know if it was having a stay at home mom growing up and the conversations with her where she mentioned that she always wished she went to law school, but something in me always wanted my wife to work. I know many people will disagree with what I’m about to say, but I’m a firm believer in daycare. All parents are first time parents, not knowing much about child rearing until your baby comes in the hospital, the nurses teach you a few things, and then you’re home within a few days, learning everything as you go.
Think about how little you know about parenting. Then think about how much schooling you have to have to get a job. It’s funny with something as important as the development of the future of our world how little you have to be taught (at least in the US, don’t know about other countries).
Then think about daycare – yes these people may not love your child as much as you do, but they are typically educated in child development and have WAY more experience than any of us in raising children. As long as you find the right daycare and can afford it, I like it more than the stay at home mom for the following reasons:
- More children means more social interaction than staying at home
- People with more experience than me in child development
- Mom AND dad are both excited to have the child at the end of the day (there’s no handoff when one comes home being exhausted from the child wearing them out all day)
- Sickness exposure – yes this isn’t a good thing, but exposure earlier means more immunity later. I think this is often a con from people but I think this is just delaying the inevitable
What are the cons of daycare? Basically, someone else is raising your child. That sucks, but if it means that mom and dad can get individual fulfillment at work AND come home and be so excited to play with their child, then I’m ok with that. Particularly if I feel like the people raising my child know more about child raising than I do. I learn from them and continue my child’s development in evenings and weekends.
So when doesn’t it make sense to have children in daycare? I don’t know the exact child count or income level, but generally I believe if there are 2 or less children and parents earn $50k or greater each, then daycare is a good path. This also assumes that both people like their jobs 
But every person’s rationale and experience is different.
She Said: During my pregnancy I’d be asked “so when are you quitting your job?” When I responded that I wasn’t some of the incredulous looks I received made me feel like a horrible mother-to-be. It wasn’t even worth explaining my position to these people, but here it is for you…
My mom alternated between being a working mom, stay-at-home mom and a work-from-home mom as conditions allowed, but I remember her as a working mom, and I mean that in the most positive way possible. I admired her intelligence and learned the importance and rewards of working hard. I want to be a positive role model for our daughter as a professional mother, especially in today’s world, which increasingly requires dual incomes to get a family started. The next logical question then is whether that means I should go back to work and put our baby in daycare this early… that brings me to the second reason behind choosing daycare.
I’ll be honest, I love our daycare and actually look forward to Monday mornings when the teachers sing the “welcome” song. For us, having Cara in daycare means we’ve expanded the group of people in her life to include a handful of women who make their living caring for babies in her age group. They know what to watch for, what development to encourage, which toys to try with her, how to encourage positive structure, and perhaps most importantly, how to communicate with first-time parents trying to do the right thing for their child.
For me, it’s not about continuing to make money or furthering my career. It’s about giving our family well-rounded dynamics.
I am impressed that in this post modern world of relativism and multiple truths that the two of you have decided to take a position on this obviously emotionally charged subject. I think there is a truth and a right thing to do for you and your partner, and your particular family dynamic…And while I agree with your decision to choose daycare, I am not sure I agree with some of your reasoning. It occurs to me to share our story with you on this particular subject, at least from my point of view.
When Stephanie and I had our first child together we were convinced that having her stay at home was the right thing to do, even if it meant sacrificing income and some of her personal fulfillment. Our research led us in a different direction…All of the books and resources that we read seemed to conclude that simply spending more time with your child, whether that time was perfect or not, was simply better than less time. We decided that Stephanie would not work and stay at home with our children. Our reasoning was this: Regardless of a lack of parenting experience or knowing exactly what to do in every situation, we felt that showing our children love and simply spending time with them would be enough, that trusting our instincts and common sense would get us further in parenting our children than neurotically second guessing and constantly deferring to “experts” on the subject. This is not to say that we did not or are still not trying to get better, but that we had faith in ourselves to raise high functioning children.
Now, the funny part is that our experiment with Stephanie staying at home failed miserably. Our reasoning left out an extremely important variable: Was Stephanie going to be happy not working and staying at home. The definitive answer to that was NO. She was miserable and really missed working. So we made a change and utilized day care more to allow her to get the best of both worlds. In the end, this was the best decision for our family dynamic. And although we still believe that, even in our inexperience, we are better suited to parent our children than even the best day care staff. There have been positive things that have come from day care, but I think the most important thing is that Stephanie is a happier parent.
Thank you very much for this blog. I look forward to more posts…
Just read all 3 posts. Very well written and insightful to the newlywed who is thinking about having kids in the next few years. I love that I can learn from you both
. Keep up the hard work on all three fronts (baby, work, blogging) and happy new year!! — Chathri
Jay – I’ve heard stories like yours before and I agree, happiness of the care provider is a key consideration. You don’t know until you become a parent how all the dynamics will impact you, so it’s great you gave it a shot but stayed flexible. Thanks for adding your vantage point.
Chathri – Open to suggestions on topics for future posts that would be helpful. It’s all very recent for us, so I know there’s information overload out there. We’re happy to offer our thoughts to help you filter through, for whatever it’s worth.
I love that you two are writing this. There need to be platforms like this for discussions and comments. I think it will help others realize that they are not alone, and give support to people who are in the same predicament. Kudos.
Daycare was a no brainer for me/us given the exact reasons you listed above, especially given where we take our daughter. I feel like they have more resources and know-how to be able to give her the stimulation, education and socialization than I could ever do as a stay-at-home-mom. My mom did a great job as a SAHM, so definitely no dissing that choice. But for ME, I knew that I would never have the energy or creativity that these caregivers have.
Also, seeing friends who have become SAHM’s and lost track of their career… that’s something I could not see myself doing. For both of us, we’ve invested too much time in advancing our career, educating ourselves. The missed opportunity of us not working would be a shame not just to us, but to our kids, for whom we can afford to take to swim lessons, gymnastics, internations trips, etc.
Keep the posts coming!
Thanks Patty. It’s unfortunate that admitting to being a working mom is still somewhat taboo and that daycare still equates to many people as absentee parenting. We hope that creating a forum like this helps give a positive voice to the other side so others can make the best decisions for their families.
Sherry – thanks for adding. Truth be told, your view on daycare really helped tip the scale for us on our final decision. You also add a good point about career path and though I consider that a secondary factor behind our choice – you’re right. In today’s economy when so many marketers are out of work, taking a break, even if for the noble cause of raising a child was a risk. We feel ultimately with our choice, mom, dad & baby all get the right kind of mental and social stimulation.
This is such a great topic to discuss because many families struggle with this decision. I think that many women feel pressured to stay at home because they are afraid that they will be looked down upon for choosing to work, as if working and being away from the child during the day will make them less of a mother. This is sooooo sad. I think that the decision has to be completely personal, there is no one way that is right or wrong because every mother, and ever family is different. I came from a family where both my parents worked full time. I never felt less loved or nurtured. I was excited everyday to see my parents at the end of the work day, and they were excited to see us. I love your point about having two parents come home and both be excited to see and spend time with their children instead of a situation where the wife can’t wait for her husband to get home because she needs a break. This can create a divide between husband and wife, where even though the husband has been working all day, the wife feels like he better immediately take over the kids because she has had to endure them all day (I know not all stay at home moms feel this way, but I know some who do).
I say if a woman has a passion and calling to be a stay at home mom, and she feels fulfilled in this role, then by all means, she should do it! However, if a woman is feeling like being a stay-at-home mom is causing her to have to give up on her dreams, she may come to have resentful feelings towards her children, her husband who gets to follow his dreams, and her life in general.
I don’t have children yet, but I have already begun to wonder if I will give up a career I have been working on for years to be a stay-at-home mom. My own mom has repeatedly told me that she would not have been the mother she was to us if she had given up her career to be a stay at home mom. My mom showed me what it meant to work hard and to be an amazing, loving, nurturing parent. I think it was definitely a benefit to have a working mom who felt fulfilled, than to have had a mom who gave up her career for us and was not content with her life. On the other side of the spectrum, my boyfriend’s sister is a stay at home mom to 4 kids whom she also home schools. She loves her life and would not want to have it any other way, so it just shows that everyone has different passions and different needs and that there is no right or wrong answer.
Thanks for the blog guys!
Thanks Lindsay. Love the deep introspective on career vs. not. My wife would be able to comment more about the internal struggles, but after being with Cara, I can imagine this is a hard decision, particularly for women who like to work. I think I would go insane staying at home, but then I love it at home on the weekends. I just need the balance of career and achievement with home. Thanks again for reading!
I think balance is the key. Also be able to change, without feeling guilty, down the road. Life is full of change, and being able to adjust is the trick.
Oh, and have a good, trusted financial planner! KEY!